Hogwarts, a History
by skyflyte12
Summary: Salazar Slytherin is considered in retrospect pretty much the biggest disaster ever unleahed upon the wizarding world. But was it really in the way that the future contends? What does a phoenix, a dragon and alcohol have to do with the Room of Requirement
1. IN A NAME

Disclaimer: I'm not J.K Rowling

WARNING: This is written purely for entertainment value, and is meant to be read as such, and is not to be taken seriously. Seriously.

Description: This will be a series of humorous one-shots involving any crazy situations and conversations I can imagine happening between the four most prominent wizards of their generation while they were in the process of/had finished founding Hogwarts. This chapter is just a pilot to see if it gets any interest in an audience to see if I should post more

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**IN A NAME**

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**The Official Suggestion of Salazar "Salz" Slytherin:**

**HOGWARTS: Hufflepuff, Oswald, Gryffindor, Wilson, Ashford, Ravenclaw, Thomas, Slytherin.**

Note: _That way, everyone will be acknowledged in the name and no one can complain. And I don't like Rowena's suggestion of _'Bright No-Burnings Wizarding School' _nor Dory's horrible habit of chucking a lion into everything he has a part in. (_Seriously, Godric, I think it's become a problem and I will sincerely disavow any association with you the next time you charm one onto the bottom of your shoe, or transfigure one and hide it in your bathtub.)

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_Four people were involved in the Founding of Hogwarts, but another four prominent Pureblood families backed the school with their money. They all fought over what to name it. Salazar Slytherin suggested a solution, and he claims that the fact that everyone who attended the school would technically say they were going to 'hog warts' had no bearing on his suggestion. _

_Nobody believed him._

_…That he explained it in such a way as to make naming the school 'Hogwarts' sound like a brilliant idea is a sore spot for the others when they realised just what he had convinced them of but a few minutes after they had magically added it into the weaving of the wards._

_We join the main four founders discussing this name together, after the fact._

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"You are just impossible, Sally." An affronted Helga Hufflepuff sighed, rubbing her temple and leaning heavily back in her chair.

"But you like me anyway." The green-eyed man seemed extremely proud of his accomplishment, and not in the least worried about the mutinous looks being exchanged by his three co-founders.

"Well, I guess you _are_ the one who got us the castle." A reluctant Godric Gryffindor admitted, glancing at his friend.

"Humph. Yes, Godric, and he's _never_ going to let us forget it." Rowena Ravenclaw pointed out snidely.

"Who, me?" The wide-eyes and expression did nothing to endear him to his current audience.

"Yes you, Sal. And don't even try the 'innocent' act – it does not become you." Rowena retorted, dark-blue eyes narrowing as she pointed a finger at the man across the table.

A sigh. "You don't have to worry about the castle. I'll only hold it against you for the rest of your natural lives." The black-haired man said this as if it was a Good Thing.

Groans were heard from all directions, and the black-haired man hid an amused smirk behind his hand.

"You make that sound like a good thing." Rowena pointed out sceptically, her eyes still narrowed.

Eyebrows rose into his hairline, "But it _is_ a good thing – I won't hold it against you in the next life, and I'd say that's being pretty lenient after I got this castle from _courageously_ killing all the mean, evil vampires that had been living here."

Helga pinched the bridge of her nose. "Salazar, you walked in and decided the place needed a skylight. That does _not_ count as heroic."

"HEY! Skylights can be heroic!" Salazar protested indignantly.

"And," Helga continued, ignoring the interruption, "You couldn't even get _that_ right. I don't know what you were thinking shouting out _'oofray issapearday'_ and waving your hand at the ceiling, I mean, that Pig Latin even worked is a mystery to me," Helga got a little side-tracked for a moment before segueing "But – SALAZAR SLYTHERIN, do _not_ ignore me!"

Green eyes widened, "Eeep, I'm listening, I'm listening. I was just distracted our wonderful sky-roof."

Helga Hufflepuff growled and wrung her hands together, a sure tell that she was imagining a certain person's neck to be there. "BUT, you are just fortunate that the roof is still there. And I swear to you, Salazar, that I WILL get the roof back! Even if it takes me all my life _so help me God_, I will NOT allow you to steal our roof!"

One aristocratic eyebrow rose and Salazar looked particularly unimpressed. "Yeah, uh-ha, sure, whatever."

"I WILL GET IT BACK YOU… YOU!!!" Helga was lost for words in rage as she jumped out of her seat, moving to stalk towards her insufferable counterpart.

"Calm down, Helga." Rowena cut in, placing a calming hand on her friend's shoulder, "How about I'll help you, yes? We'll probably get it back before the week's end."

Helga snarled at Salazar one last time, before grabbing Rowena and dragging her from the hall, already conspiring on how to 'fix' the roof as they exited.

"So," Godric said, watching Salazar kick his feet up on the table now that the people who would bother to protest were absent, "What are their chances of getting the roof back?"

Salazar glanced sideways at Godric before looking up at the sky above them in a sort of smug silence.

Godric sighed, shaking his head, "I am not fishing you out of the Lake if Helga sells you to the merpeople again."

Salazar snorted. "That's what you said last time."

"But I really mean it this time!" Godric half-whined.

"Sure, sure." Salazar said agreeably, getting up to exit the hall.

"I REALLY DO!" Godric yelled after his friend.

Salazar gave a little half wave as he left, and Godric crossed his arms and grumbled to himself, "Fine, maybe _one_ more time, but next time I'll definitely leave him down there."

Nodding in resolve, Gryffindor suddenly realised that he was in the hall alone and sprung up, going off to find something to do.

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Review it! -Skyflyte12


	2. THE SORTING CEREMONY

Disclaimer: I'm not J.K Rowling

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**THE SORTING CEREMONY**

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It was an awe-inspiring sight for the wizards and witches gathered together in the Great Hall of the newly founded Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The stars against the velvet black of night shone, faintly lighting the hall from the ceiling that seemed to open from the heavens while the myriad of candles that hung suspended in midair to light the hall radiated light so everybody could see.

There was a long table at which the wizards and witches that would be educating the attendees – aged anywhere from eleven to eighteen – and they were easily seen from the position of the prospective students, which were lined up in front, craning their necks around to get a glimpse at the marvel of magic that was the ceiling.

A breath-taking woman, regal with midnight-blue eyes and blue-black hair was standing in front of them holding a long list and started speaking to her entranced audience "Welcome, everyone, to the opening of Hogwarts."

Silence rang through the room, all students seeming to take a breath in anticipation – truly a momentous occasion.

Of course, none of these people, so focused on the Lady Ravenclaw who was now going through a description of the castle, what classes teachers would take and which sections they should avoid for their own safety that they really had no idea that against the back wall, three men were crowded together.

The Lady Ravenclaw seemed to be sending them particularly nasty looks as they snickered.

… "Can you _believe_ that Row actually wanted _me_ to speak tonight, Dory? I mean, I get that we could do with less students, but you'd think they'd wanna hold back on the mental scarring for at _least _a day." The black haired, green eyed man whispered to the red-haired man to his right, his tone clearly stating exactly what he thought had happened to Rowena's sanity.

Godric, on his part, blanched. He spluttered a bit as well, but the man to the left of Salazar cut across him "Oh, it wasn't her idea Sal."

Godric and Salazar traded gazes before turning as one to look at their brown-haired acquaintance. The man cocked an eyebrow "What? Ha! It wasn't _my_ idea either geesh, ya say one thing and a man's accused around here…" He trailed off muttering to himself and shaking his head in exasperation.

Salazar's hand grabbed the man's collar and drew him roughly down so they were eye-to-eye and his voice was a low, almost poisonous hiss barely intelligible "_Ashford, who_ was it thenn~"

Brown eyes widened and he sent a quick glance over the hissing man's shoulder that clearly conveyed a need for help. But Godric, the whimpy bastard he was when it came to Slytherin's temper (Gareth rather detested that the usually foolhardy, pushing the line of suicidal man had such an instinct for avoiding the wrath of their resident dark wizard) just shook his head wildly and mouthed something that was either 'Do you take me for a fool?' 'You're on your own, man' or 'He's got blackmail on me' and inched away a little bit more.

"Hey hey hey! Sal, calm the freak down! Erm, it wasn't me! I didn't do it! Don't shoot the messenger! I'm innocent, I tell ya, _innocent_!"

The green-eyed man was unmoved, and he bit out "_Ashford_. If you do not tell me now _I_ will tell Thomas where you got those hippogriff from."

The man gaped. Hell, if Darlene found out that he'd… that he'd done _that_, well… "Okay okay! It was Lady Hufflepuff!"

He was summarily released, and the Ashford _may _have heard Slytherin muttering "_sadistic bitch" _under his breath but couldn't be certain. He straightened up and fixed the collar of his robe, raising an eyebrow as the black-haired founder lent back, crossed his arms and _sulked_.

He looked at Godric for a moment, and the founder seemed _amused_. Considering that whenever _he'd_ seen Salazar sulk some type of natural disaster had occurred, Gareth could not see what was funny. His gaze communicated this.

Godric, upon seeing Salazar was not about to offer an explanation, spoke up "Helga's still mad at him for loosing the ceiling."

"You don't have to sound like a three-year old telling on their sibling, Dory." The green-eyed man snapped acerbically.

Godric was going to reply when movement from the front of the hall drew their attention there.

He saw that Gareth looked helplessly confused upon seeing Rowena place his old hat on a stool before calling a name and whispered "Oh, that's what we're calling the 'Sorting' hat. I made it myself." He looked inordinately proud, and his chest puffed out a little as well.

Salazar wrinkled his nose and muttered "I still don't see why you wouldn't let me -"

"No!" Gryffindor's outburst drew attention from the youngsters standing at the back of the crowd waiting to be sorted, and he pasted a smile on his face a gestured for them to pay attention to where 'Appleby, Frederic' was being sorted. His lowered his voice lost none of the vehemence as he fixed a Look at Salazar "_No, _Sal. Just… no."

Gareth was forced to double check the beverage in his hand for some kind of spiking as he witness the founder beside him _pout_. Honest to God, Slytherin was pouting. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, but well… damn his curiosity. He quirked a brow and looked at Godric, who was the most likely to answer his questions "There seems to be a story to this…"

It was a leading comment, and Gryffindor hesitated for a moment before seeing Salazar going to answer. He began delicately "Well, you see… there was a little argument over how to divide the houses – you know, which students went into which House."

Salazar scowled and opened his mouth again, but Gryffindor cut across him again "It wasn't anything serious, but we all agreed something and Salazar was… displeased. But it is solved now, so no harm done."

It had a tone of finality, but Salazar paid that no heed as he snapped "It is _not_ resolved! And it _wasn't _a _little_ problem! First, you denied my right to _name_ my House…"

Godric butted in "You _cannot_ name a House the 'Happyhouse' nor the 'Ducklings'! Do you have _any_ idea how embarrassing that would be for the students who get in it?! It's just easier using our last names!"

Gareth chocked upon hearing Slytherin's chosen name and privately agreed with the other Founder's disagreement.

Salazar shot a disgruntled look at his lion-liking friend before continuing "Well, I could have accepted that, but they didn't even let me chose what qualities I want for _my_ House!"

Godric gave his friend the Look for the second time in as many minutes. "I think what _you_ wanted was ridiculous. Rowena thinks what you wanted was ridiculous. Even _Helga_ think what you wanted was ridiculous – I mean, even those friggin jarvies that _somehow_ (the look he shot Salazar showed exactly who he blamed) invaded the castle last week thought it was a ridiculous idea! Face it Salazar – you. are. Sly. Cunning. Sneaky. It's just who you are, and we refuse to let you twist your House like you apparently did to those poor unicorns! I mean, a person who can trick _unicorns_ is NOT one that has those traits!"

Slytherin looked offended. "Hey! Couldn't it just mean I'm an inherently good person?"

The snorts that tore from his two companions drew a scorching, black and highly threatening _glare_ of _doom_ from the witch diligently calling names so they could be sorted. And the very loud laughter, (amplified because of how silent the hall had been because, let's face it, the opening of the magnificent school that was Hogwarts was a BIG occasion, and until then everyone had been on the edge of their seats, basking in anticipation and awe-ridden silences) banging hands, and Gryffindor actually falling off his seat and rolling around on the floor, clutching his stomach and loosing tears of mirth only served to pushed the glare to previously unseen levels of 'oh-shit' freaky.

Salazar didn't bother to inform the oblivious Gryffindor and Ashford that they were making an enemy for life or possibly inciting Rowena's scary brain to come up with more sadistic levels of punishment. He was glaring at them as well. Just what was it with people and saying that he was evil?

It took Rowena casting a muffling hex between the three at the back and the crowd for them to continue on with the ceremony, five minutes for Ashy to collect himself and re-seat, and a further ten minutes for Gryffindor to pick his sorry ass off the floor and be capable of looking at Salazar without bursting into laughter.

"I hate you." Salazar muttered petulantly, arms crossed.

(Snicker) "I-I'm sure the uni-unicorns wo-would l-l-like to know th-that!"

"Shut up Dory. Any-way" He turned to Ashford, presenting his back to the still snickering Godric and continuing with what he was saying before "_they _say the Houses should contain students that have roughly the same primary qualities. There were more than one, but basically Row chose wit, Helga chose loyalty, Dory chose stupidi-er, I mean 'bravery' and _I_ chose 'happiness'. _As you can see_, they… disagreed."

Godric snorted again, and Salazar turned on him "Well exc_use_ _me_ for wanting a freaking House that's happy and easy to tell what to do! Anyway, you guys chose 'cunning' and 'ambition' which sucks, because if it's a house of cunning and ambition the most cunning ones would be the ones that avoided the house and thus go undetected! When you're cunning you don't shout it to the world! Goddamit, I bet I'll just get all the stupid ones 'cos any of them who go into my house will just be uppity idiots that _think_ they're cunning – you know, have delusions of grandeur!" At this point, Salazar crossed his arms and sunk back in his chair, scowling harshly and muttering things about stupid people that didn't have an ounce of common sense.

"Hey!" Godric protested to one of the mutterings "I know I can be loud, but I'm not a moron!"

Salazar glanced at Godric and quirked a brow "Who lied and told you that?"

Godric's face was priceless, and Salazar focused back on the progress of the sorting. Rowena called out "Malfoy, Farrell" and the three men watched a black-haired, brown-eyed kid walk up the stairs with all the pomp of a noble.

"He's the son of Gregory Malfoy" Gareth commented idly, searching for some way to draw his companions away from the impending duel that Godric would no doubt start to protect his shattered pride from the green-eyed founder. The problem with that would be that it would accomplish nothing – there never ended up a clear winner, and they had a nasty habit of harming people in the crossfire (it had been their fault they had to rebuild a quarter of the castle and thus set back completion almost two years). It was safer for everyone involved if he could distract them.

Fortunately, Godric and Salazar were easily distractible. Salazar groaned and muttered "If that *&^%brat is in my House I cannot assure you I will not find a way to end his Line."

Godric glanced at his friend with a thoughtful look before turning back "Hmm, I can't say I agree with that – maybe a little too extreme Sally – but I think I agree with your general meaning. I might just change him a bit – you know how Greg considers blonde hair some kind of affront to his existence?"

Salazar glanced at his friend for the corner of his eyes "Of course – I was the one that _caused_ that little… _phobia_ in the first place after all." He looked particularly proud of himself in that moment.

Gareth was quite alarmed. Slytherin and Gryffindor having their little spats had the possibility of being dangerous. Slytherin and Gryffindor working together…

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"_*&^%" _

Salazar pointed and laughed. "HA! You have to deal with the brat NOW! Suck on that, lion-lover!"

Godric growled. "_Salazar!!"_

Salazar paused, wide-eyed. He muttered something that perhaps could have being interpreted as 'what?' by a three-year old as he took in the enraged visage of his friend.

"Run."

As Salazar tore out of the large doors, Godric on his heels and throwing hexes, Gareth breathed a sigh of relief. Sometimes, looking out for strong wizards was more trouble than it was worth.

But at least they wouldn't join forces.

Gareth, as he saw the Look on the Lady Ravenclaw's face as a loud and reverberating crash sounded from the entrance hall that caused everyone to turn around and stare, could only take solace in that thought.

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Please review!


	3. THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT

Disclaimer: Not JK.

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**THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT**

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They weren't doing something to get worked up over – Salazar knew that.

…Or at least they _hadn't_ been doing anything, yesterday and before any beverage of the alcoholic nature had somehow implicated itself in their celebration of the ending of the very first year of having students at Hogwarts.

Salazar half-heartedly scratched the back of his head, scowling as he felt something of dubious nature attach itself to his hand as he did so. He blinked his eyes blearily, and wiped it off on the nearest readily available surface to wipe it off on – which just happened to be a robe.

"Nhg… imma… I'm not a handkerchief, Sally." The Gryffindor sprawled beside him muttered, rolling away and taking the unspecified thing with him.

Slytherin just hummed in a non-affirmative way, stumbling a little as he tried to get his bearings and clutch his aching head.

"**SALAZAR HADRIAN SLYTHERIN!!! GODRIC MATTIAS GRYFFINDOR!!! WHERE IN ALL THE NINE LEVELS OF HELL **_**ARE**_** YOU!!??"**

The two wizards shared guttural groans at the dulcet tones of the Lady Ravenclaw.

"She just _has_ to -"

"- _yes_. Every time."

"Don't you think…?"

"No. It won't stop."

"**SALLY! DORY!"**

The men winced. Salazar, being of slightly clearer mind, looked around to try and recognise where they were.

"Er, Dory?" He asked slowly, staring at the rather obvious and rather _not-supposed-to-be-there_ addition.

"Shuddap."

"Godric." His voice was slightly panicked now, as the addition opened a large eye.

"Shut up." Godric, as he was wont to do, lived on in oblivious bliss.

Salazar was frozen. "It _winked_ at me."

"Wha-? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Rowena Ravenclaw was irate, furious, seething, livid, apoplectic... – and all of those other fun words that are fancy ways of saying that she was not too far away from going on a homicidal rampage that the likes of which would only be spoken of in hushed voices in seedy taverns.

She _stalked_ through Hogwarts corridors, glaring at the suits of armour which either scattered loudly out of her way or pointed in the direction of those two… _sorry_ excuses for human beings.

"They should have _never_ been wizards!" When she started muttering to herself, it was generally bad for the party to stir her anger. "…I mean, just _think_ of all the trouble they caused me in a single year! Salazar _must_ have found a loophole in our agreement about the Point System rules – I am certain that more than reasonable was deducted by him in aid of his own House. And… and _using_ Godric's poor hat like that… argg!!"

"**SALAZAR, GRYFFINDOR!! YOU'VE MANAGED TO AVOID ME SO FAR, BUT THERES ONLY SO MANY PLACES YOU CAN HIDE!!!**

She sharply turned a corner, continuing her stalking. And that was when she saw on of the subjects of her ire.

"_GRYFFINDOR…!!" _She growled, slowly and deliberately drawing her wand out and levelling it at the man who was hastily backing away with his palms raised in front of himself.

"Now now, Row! Er, no need for decapitation between friends, correct?" He smiled charmingly at her, eyeing her as one eyes a volatile hippogriff or Dragon protecting her eggs.

"_Gryffindor_!" She snarled again, wand shooting off sparks in her fury.

A cough from behind Godric caught Rowena's attention, and she snapped her head to the source of the noise to see a green-eyed man practically lounging against the doorframe behind him. "_Slytherin!" _

"My my, stuck on a rather limited vocabulary today, aren't we Miss-Knowledge?" The Slytherin drawled, smirking in that way that tells you he's found some way to slither out of his latest trouble.

Rowena _despised_ that smirk – it was the same _bloody_ smirk he'd had on when he'd grandly announced to all and sundry the _complex_ and _epic_ charm that they had devised to allow the students to experience the joys of seeing the sky – _instead_ of admitting that it was an anomaly of magic and he'd accidentally done it and none of them had been able to undo it… although it wasn't like Salazar really tried, anyway. _That_ piece of work made it so Helga couldn't keep trying to take it _down_.

"Sal, I don't think now's the time to… irritate the beautiful Lady Ravenclaw, yes?" Gryffindor was reaching, and he also sounded nervous. Rowena decided she'd castrate him second.

Her wand whipped up, pointing straight at Slytherin's most-treasured limb.

"Ah ah ah." Slytherin wagged his finger at her, and she cursed as _her_ wand was yanked from her grip before it flew into his.

She growled in inarticulate rage, stalking forward but eyeing her own wand with trepidation – Slytherin knew the best hexes, after all.

"Now, Rowena. You won't want to kill us, because _we_ have gotten you a birthday gift."

She didn't know what Sal was playing at this time, but raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "It was my birthday four months and three weeks ago."

"Well yeah." Slytherin announced, staring at her as if _she_ was the strange one. "And we decided it would be remiss of us to allow your birthday to continue to go unnoticed. And the present we were working on for you wasn't finished until today, which is why you couldn't find us."

Slytherin was talking smoothly, but he _always_ did. His face was also straight, although Rowena really didn't know how he spouted such utter bullshit without batting an eye. She was, understandably, sceptical. "And so you just happened to be avoiding me this morning after _yesterday_ you _ditched_ Helga and I to arrange for the means to return _all of the students in Hogwarts _to return to their primary caretakers?" It came out heavily sarcastic, but Rowena felt it got her point across anyways.

"Yes." Salazar nodded, completely agreeing with her and ignoring the sarcasm with which she had spoken it. Git. Rowena had tried to find spells that allowed one to keep a steady head in such situations, but had come up woefully short. The only thing close to it would be deliberately petrifying ones own face, and one could not speak when the spell was in effect.

He gestured to the door behind him, and Rowena was nudged forward by the silent Gryffindor (apparently, he had been willing to let Slytherin talk her out of castration, which admittedly displayed a higher level of self-preservation than she had credited him with). "We introduce, Lady Ravenclaw, The Room of Requirement."

Rowena looked. "Its just a room."

"No! Not just a room! The Room of Requirement!"

"There's nothing in it. And it's smaller than even our offices. I do not see anything remarkable about this room."

"Rowena, this is your birthday gift! As if we'd just show you a room for no reason!" Salazar exclaimed, his eyes widening in the endearing way he used when he was trying really hard but couldn't force himself to believe his own words.

Gryffindor snorted along with Ravenclaw, but Godric's response was halted by Salazar deliberately stepping on his foot.

"Rowena, _this_ Room can be _anything_ you desire! An office, a classroom, a training ground – _anything_. And what's better is that it can make a copy of _anything _in the castle and conjure it into the room – the objects won't be able to be taken out of it, but it is still useful! And if say, you wanted to _put_ a real object into it, the room could hide it away so you'd only find it if you asked it specifically!"

Rowena was shocked as the walls seemed to expand, moving far out and bookshelves suddenly entered the room, along with furniture. Her jaw dropped.

"Is that my couch?" Godric muttered somewhere in the background, but Rowena ignored him and his subsequent yelp, moving to the nearest bookshelf and pulling the book out. _'Prominent Wizards of the century'_ stared up at her from the title, and she flipped it open, still trapped in awe of the place.

"How… _how_ did you create something like this?" She breathed, looking back at the black and red haired men behind her.

"Well, it's a good story…" Salazar began, rubbing the back of his hair sheepishly.

"…Yeah! You see, it has to do with a dragon, a phoenix and a large amount of alcohol, not to mention a dare…"

"_Stop._" Rowena stated, her voice like ice. She stared at them, unimpressed. "Tell the _truth_." She stressed 'truth', just in case the resident nutjobs didn't understand her inquiry.

They looked at each other, and it was Salazar who spoke. "_Fine_." He was _pouting_. Yes, she could definitely see a pout. "We spent months creating the charms, and we couldn't got it done in time –like I said before, so we decided that since we finally got it done – yesterday, mind you, which was why we couldn't help with the students – that we should show you the product of our work."

Rowena found that she could accept that. She nodded, smiling; "_Thankyou_ Salazar, Godric; and I am sorry for being angry with you before. You may leave."

Salazar and Godric traded looks and quickly backed out of the room, leaving Rowena to her devices.

The moment Slytherin shut the door behind them, they slumped, breathing twin sighs of relief.

Salazar then smirked at Godric, making a victory sign that was echoed by his lion-loving friend. Slytherin allowed Godric to toss an arm over his shoulder in a sign of camaraderie as they went to the room directly opposite the one they'd just shown to Rowena.

Salazar opened it, stuck his head in and said, "Ok guys, all clear. Get out the back and we'll cover you."

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A/N: LOL! This was actually the first one that came into my head when I started writing these oneshots, so I hope you enjoyed :)


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